This Dec, the GOP demanded a) Tax cuts for the wealthiest b) Less benefits for the needy c) Keep Christ in Christmas.
Shit, I forgot to write “Happy Birthday” on Jesus’ Facebook page.
Freebasing oxy with a gardener named Jesus in a Pottery Barn. #blessed
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Santa Claus drives a Trans Am, right?
Any album can be a Christmas album if you never ever want to hear it again
Santa won’t leave. It’s getting awkward. He keeps asking if I’ve ever heard of Ron Paul. I think he’s drunk.
Let someone know you hate them by texting “Merry Christmas” at 11:59pm tonight.
As the final Christmas hour passes, mall Santas are corralled into the pens to be gently put down and utilized as Fillet-O-Fish meat.
Michael Ian Black
Had some ham for Christmas dinner tonight at my friend Barabbas’s house. I really am a terrible Jew.
I’m depressed now. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, type-two diabetes caused by American casual dining chain restaurants.
I don’t think this gingerbread house is built to code. It’s supposed to have 110 volt outlets and these are clearly 220. Christmas is a lie.
Listening to my favorite Christmas album: “Fragile” by YES.
How’s your Christmas? My sister has said “cool beans” 79 times.
Don’t turn Jesus’s birthday into your deathday by taking weed. #420HOHONO
I’m releasing a holiday song called, “All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.”
“We have a room next to the bachelorette party suite or a manger. Take your pick.” –Innkeeper #LostQuotesOfHistory
This is the first Christmas Kobe hasn’t played a game since 1997. And you thought you tried to avoid your family.
Merry Christmas everyone; and to Gary Busey, Happy 4th of July!
Santa Claus is overweight, wears the same thing every day and leaves the house once a year. He’s basically Brian Wilson in 1974.
When they look back on this Christmas, I hope my family will remember the love, the warmth, & how I vanished under suspicious circumstances
Michael Ian Black
I don’t know if Jesus was the son of God, but I do know that I have a new XBox One now and I DON’T THINK THAT’S A COINCIDENCE!!!
Merry x-mas! I’m so sorry but I just found out the post office incinerated my gift for you because they said it looked like “medical waste.”
Because I’m a Jew, today’s just like any other Wednesday when mom puts coal in my socks
It’s always tough watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” with my dog because both of us know he’s never won a lights and display contest.
Michael Ian Black
This year, my wife got me some books, a new scarf, a Godiva chocolate bar, a Thai ladyboy, and the new Peter Gabriel CD. #blessed
My seasonal gift to you! I celebrated Christmas Eve by watching Sharknado with my brother, sister, and daughter. It was the best; I highly recommend this new tradition to all. And now, to the mockery.
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
Just got a call from the 2nd A.D. on the movie I’m filming. Call time canceled tomorrow. ALL movies canceled. It’s done. #SharkNado
Ryan McGee @TVMcGee
Twenty minutes in, and we FINALLY have Tara Reid. They held her out like Brando in “Apocalypse Now”. #Sharknado
rob delaney @robdelaney
I usually hate Wes Anderson, but Sharknado’s actually pretty good.
Amy D Stephenson @amydstephenson
The big reveal at the end of #SharkNado will be that the continuity director was dead the whole time!
Bill Hanstock @sundownmotel
no academics really want to admit it but “sharknado” was a shockingly faithful adaptation of Ulysses
Len Feldman @lenfeldman
#Sharknado shows what kinds of special effects you can make with an Etch-a-Sketch, a Pez dispenser and a lawn sprinkler.
Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff
If you watch Sharknado backwards, it’s about shark carcasses that fly off the ground, into the air, spit out people and land in the ocean.
The Dowager Countess @theLadyGrantham
America: The Empire gave you tea, civilisation and the English language – and you responded with #Sharknado.
Casey Pratt @CaseyPrattCSN
I’m surprised that Ian Ziering didn’t reach back into that shark’s guts and pull out an Oscar for Best Picture. #SharkNado.
Matty J @Dem0crats
Well the one thing we can all agree on…if #Sharknado was to happen, the #GOP House would block the relief aid.
Horatio Sanz @MrHoratioSanz
I wish I could join in on the shenanigans, But I had a cousin that was killed by a #Sharknado back in ’93. #RamonRIP
B.J. Novak @bjnovak
I’m afraid that now when we have a real sharknado everyone’s going to treat it like a joke
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Can’t watch #Sharknado because I’m on the set of my new film Tsunamwolf.
Eric Stangel @EricStangel
You get the feeling they said this a lot during filming “Eh, we’ll fix it later. It’ll look fine.” #Sharknado
Philip Klein @philipaklein
Just as paper beats rock, bar stool beats shark.#sharknado
Ryan McGee @TVMcGee
JOHN HEARD JUST HIT A SHARK WITH A BARSTOOL. I want to make out with this movie. #Sharknado
Chris Harnick @chrisharnick
Glad to see #Sharknado borrowed graphics from The Sims.
Michael Ausiello @MichaelAusiello
Sorry #Sharknado but I’m having a tough time believing Tara Reid could afford a house that nice. You had me up until then.
Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff
I *knew* Sharknado was just one long metaphor for the process of natural childbirth.
“Your son wants to go drop a bomb into a tornado.” “No, too dangerous!” #helicopterparenting
Tomorrow, GOP will introduce Sharknado Prevention and Preparedness Act of 2013, which repeals Obamacare and restricts reproductive health.
#SharkNado sounds like an excellent breakfast opportunity.
Journalist’s Toolbox @journtoolbox
Two-Headed Shark Attack with Carmen Elektra and Brooke Hogan up next. How will the Emmy voters go? #sharknado
Kurt Eichenwald @kurteichenwald
Sean Hannity turned on #SharkNado and thought it was real. Went on Fox, announced that sharks were raining down in LA and blamed Obamacare.
“Artists who are content merely to hone their gifts eventually come to little,” says the Belgian writer Simon Leys. “The ones who truly leave their mark have the strength and the courage to explore and exploit their shortcomings.” I’d like to borrow that wisdom and provide it for you to use in 2014, Aquarius. Even if you’re not an artist, you will be able to achieve an interesting kind of success if you’re willing to make use of the raw materials and untapped potential of your so-called flaws and weaknesses. Whatever is unripe in you will be the key to your creativity.
Source: Free Will Astrology
In a book called [you] Ruined It for Everyone!: 101 People Who Screwed Things Up for the Rest of Us, #22 was devoted to the person who invented vacuum-sealed plastic clamshell packaging. You know the stuff—it’s the hard casing you have to conquer to reach the toy or SD card or other consumer good you so desire. That stuff is terrifying, because it’s so easy for your sharp implement to slip on that hard, slick plastic, and it’s hell to saw through. So, yes, I think the inventor of this menace (not named in the book’s website; maybe the author did the research for the book) definitely deserves a place on someone’s shit list somewhere.
Any hey, here’s a tip: you can more safely breach that packaging by using a can opener on it. It’s not easy, but rolling the can opener across the top of the package is safer than slicing open a hand with a box cutter.
What successful packaging design must have (ledgrowlight888.wordpress.com)
Today we scored a DVD of Sharknado at a White Elephant party. We went directly to the grocery store for popcorn and candy and then home to immerse ourselves in the Sharknado experience. I had heard about all the insanity involved, but witnessing it in person makes all the difference. This movie is so far beyond…I can’t even. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen. Now that we have Sharknado in our lives—just sitting there on the DVD shelf!—everything’s going to be different. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
- Ian Zeiring did ‘Sharknado’ to maintain his SAG insurance (deathandtaxesmag.com)
- 9 Harsh Political Realities Of Sharknado (buzzfeed.com)
- 10 Things I Learned from Sharknado (5arah5tage.wordpress.com)
- ‘Sharknado’ and the Tricky Business Advertising on Twitter (blogs.wsj.com)
Arthur Wynne (a Brit, actually) invented the contemporary American crossword puzzle; it appeared in the New York World on 12.21.1913 and became wildly popular. By the 1920s, folks had become so obsessed with solving the puzzles that appeared in more and more newspapers that workplace productivity actually declined. So the inventor of computer Solitaire can take some comfort in knowing that people have always looked for a way to spend company time not on company business, and perhaps feel less guilty.
While today the New York Times is the definitive source of crossword puzzlery, crosswords didn’t appear in the Times until 1942. In fact, in 1924, the NYT described crossword puzzles as a “sinful waste… futile finding of words… not a game at all… [solvers] get nothing out of it.” And now NYT puzzlemaster is the king of crosswords; the world, it turns.