On January 9, 1493, Christopher Columbus was sailing through the South Atlantic when he mistook 3 manatees for mermaids. He sadly notes they’re ”not half as beautiful as they are painted.” Disappointing! In honor of the noble sea cow, I present the following 9 (additional) insults to its dignity.
- Manatee by Nerf Herder: This song is used as a soundtrack to a tribute to one Urf the Manatee, a character deployed in the multiplayer online game League of Legends on no less than 2 April Fool’s Days. This Urf character “equipped himself with the two great symbols of his Manatee heritage as his weapons: a fish (to symbolize the bounty and providence of the sea) and spatula (to pay homage to his people’s age-long pursuit for culinary mastery).” Fantastic!
- Stand-up paddleboarder vs. Lamantin: A 39-second video of a stand-up paddler getting knocked off his board by a manatee in French.
- Jim Gaffigan on Manatees: Sea cows receive the empathy of a creamy-white comedian.
- Dance of the Manatee by Fair to Midland: 3 or 4 versions of this song exist. Depending on the album or EP. Think about that. (Note: lyrics contain no reference to manatees. You’d think with the multiple versions they could have fixed that.)
- Bonfire of the Manatees by Folly: Well, this song title evokes some unsettling imagery, doesn’t it? However: THESE are some fricking lyrics manatees can be proud of. They could play this song at all their football games. It starts with “Aquatic fortitude!” and ends with “Bovine divine!” Treat yourself: go read the full lyrics.
- Manatee Thursday: I have no idea what the hell is going on here (a dude’s webcast?), but I was mesmerized, and highly recommend it.
- Horny Manatee Debut: Turns out a horny manatee was a character on Conan O’Brien (see 3:16 to 3:50). This segment was devoted to highlighting lesser-known mascots for college football teams, such as FSU’s ”Webcam Manatee.” (Also highlighted: Nebraska State’s “Racially Healing Kramer” and the LSU anatomically enhanced “Ken Doll.”)
- Manatee remix: I don’t understand why this 2-second shot of a manatee snouting up the glass at an aquarium is so hilarious that it inspires multiple remixes of various dance songs, but they exist nonetheless (of which this clip is only 1 example). The kids, with their The Youtube, I don’t get it.
- Barbara Manatee: The tale of a Christian cucumber’s love for a TV manatee. My favorite thing about this Veggie Tales clip (and I do love Veggie Tales) is that the poster makes this disclaimer: “no copyright intended !” Alrighty, none taken. In a weird confluence of events, this clip shows that Barbara Manatee learns to speak French—maybe she’s the one who knocked over the stand-up paddleboarder from clip#2?
Bonus video for setting a positive manatee vibe:
- Lola the Husky Plays with a Manatee: This video’s top-rated commenter noted “this is the most relaxing video to watch.” And aside from some weird jumps within the first 20 seconds (switching from video to photos and back again), it really, really is. Sit back with a cup of tea and enjoy this dog silently, happily paddling through the Key Largo water with her friend the manatee.