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2.15: Today’s Best Tweets

Splitsider posts each day their favorite batch of tweets from comedians. Here is today’s selection.

SARAH THYRE
If I were an HVAC guy, the slogan on my van would be “You need coolin’, Baby I’m not foolin’.”

HANK THOMPSON
The problem with Die Hard is that he never seems to do that.

DANNY ZUKER
JPL says if this asteroid hit the earth it would be worse than Armageddon but not the movie.

MATT SELMAN
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

STEVEN AMIRI
Home is where your heart is. The rest of your shit is in a box at my place, Laura. I get off at five.

CHARLENE DEGUZMAN
I’d rather get a box of samoas than an engagement ring.

JOSH GONDELMAN
Every single band name mentioned on the Pitchfork front page could just be Lorem Ipsum text, and I would have no idea.

MIKE SCOLLINS
Sorry for all the Germans who set “Shitting in bags” + “docking” Google Alerts.

ELI TERRY
What super powers did the exploding meteor give you guys? I got Shrinking Penis. Not too jazzed about it honestly.

MJ P
Kinda weird to think those pianos that play themselves are pretty much just masturbating pianos.

ANNA DREZEN
I’d do the baby food diet but I’m pretty sure babies are red meat

KYLE KINANE
Stand in front of a Fedex van and say “This food truck tastes like cardboard.” Make five new best friends immediately.

NATE CRAIG
Nothing is better than getting cash in the mail. Accept getting cash in someone else’s mail.

LOUIS VIRTEL
Some of these Russian meteor videos are just the opening scene to “Xanadu.”

PETER WALDRON
Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.

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