Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: There’s one less drunk.
Q: How does every Irish joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman? A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Q: Why did God invent whiskey? A: So the Irish would never rule the world.
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.
Why do the Irish fight so often among themselves? So that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.
How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his mother, whom he thought was still a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.
An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?” “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
A Donegalman rushed into a barber’s shop with a pig under his arm. “Where did you get that?” asked the barber. “I won him in a raffle,” said the pig.
Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Geez, that look like Sean,” to which Paddy replied “No, Sean was taller than that.”
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. “S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?” “Nothing,” he replied, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of Course,” replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.” “Of course,” replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’65.” “This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’65, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?,” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea: he takes the 50 cents off Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. “We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it.” So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says, “See it works, we didn’t pay, did we?” As Paddy’s plan seems to be working, they carry on doing it. In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, and Sean isn’t looking too good. They have just finished their pints. Sean: “I can’t do this anymore, Paddy, my bloody knees are hurting as fuck!” Paddy: “No worries…I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!”
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Joey-Jim asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
“Poor Michael Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.”
“Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?” asked the other.
“Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.”
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking, “Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!”