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31 Seasonally Delightful Tweets

Michael Ian Black ‏@michaelianblack

Christ may have risen but I haven’t gotten my ass off the couch for nine hours

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

Mary Charlene

so far no one has commented on the fact that my Easter bonnet is just an orange traffic cone


Owen Benjamin

Easter egg hunts are a perfect excuse for some serious snooping.

Michelle Wolf ‏@michelleisawolf

Jesus was the first zombie.

My dad is like Jesus, he left and then out of nowhere came back.

“My spirit animal is a bunny” – Jesus.

“The Easter bunny has done quite a good job here. I can’t find a single egg. I’m sorry, you’re barren” – a fun fertility doctor.

I hope Jesus sees his shadow

I wouldn’t really call it a good friday based on the number of followers I lost

“So you guys just hanging out? High 5! Nope can’t. I’ll just give you a pound then” – what I would say if I walked by Jesus on the cross.

Being the center of attention and wearing a crown could describe a bachlorette or Jesus

“Is it Good Friday? Every day since I’ve retired has felt like a good Friday.” – Pope Benedict.

Dying on the cross feels more like a Monday activity.

My least favorite Easter was when my brother was abducted and we went on an Easter Greg hunt.

Glen Weldon ‏@ghweldon

He is RZA.

He is Reisen. He came Brach’s from the dead. They Cadburied him and he yeah okay you see what I’m going for here.

“Guys, I got this great idea for an art project. When I die, wrap me up in a shroud.” – Jesus Christo UNHAND ME I’LL SEE MYSELF OUT

“See, I’m still having a problem with ‘good.’ How bout ‘Excruciating Friday,’ has the ship sailed on that?” – Jesus at the branding meeting.

I need to strengthen my mental ability to disavow responsibility. So I’m taking a Pilate’s class.

Matt Roller

For a true Easter challenge, hide all the eggs in the garage with the car running. Now it’s a hunt AND a race against the clock

Jerry Renek

I generally skip Easter with the family since I dismissed Pavement’s early records and my grandma stabbed me in the gut.

Professor Snape ‏@_Snape

Wait, if Jesus came back to life, does that mean he had a Horcrux? #HappyEaster


I hope Jesus comes back but it’s only cause he forgot his phone and then he just awkwardly leaves again.


Good Friday quickly turns into Great Friday if you take mushrooms and swim with dolphins.


Oh, finally, he has risen. Good morning, or should I say good afternoon? – God to a teen Jesus

Hari Kondabolu

#TheWalkingDead is trending on Easter. IRONY.

Louis Virtel

My kids will celebrate Atheist Easter. No eggs, just an angry hare wearing a sign that says, “I am a fucking mammal.”

Albertina Rizzo

Lotta talk about Thrones this Easter Sunday. #crossmarketing

MJ Offen

In honor of Jesus, I’m spending this Easter turning wine into water. (Pee is mostly water, right?)

Jason Good

On my way to Easter Island because that’s where East … Shit, never mind–it’s sold out.

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