Christ may have risen but I haven’t gotten my ass off the couch for nine hours
Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.
so far no one has commented on the fact that my Easter bonnet is just an orange traffic cone
Easter egg hunts are a perfect excuse for some serious snooping.
Jesus was the first zombie.
My dad is like Jesus, he left and then out of nowhere came back.
“My spirit animal is a bunny” – Jesus.
“The Easter bunny has done quite a good job here. I can’t find a single egg. I’m sorry, you’re barren” – a fun fertility doctor.
I hope Jesus sees his shadow
I wouldn’t really call it a good friday based on the number of followers I lost
“So you guys just hanging out? High 5! Nope can’t. I’ll just give you a pound then” – what I would say if I walked by Jesus on the cross.
Being the center of attention and wearing a crown could describe a bachlorette or Jesus
“Is it Good Friday? Every day since I’ve retired has felt like a good Friday.” – Pope Benedict.
Dying on the cross feels more like a Monday activity.
My least favorite Easter was when my brother was abducted and we went on an Easter Greg hunt.
He is RZA.
He is Reisen. He came Brach’s from the dead. They Cadburied him and he yeah okay you see what I’m going for here.
“Guys, I got this great idea for an art project. When I die, wrap me up in a shroud.” – Jesus Christo UNHAND ME I’LL SEE MYSELF OUT
“See, I’m still having a problem with ‘good.’ How bout ‘Excruciating Friday,’ has the ship sailed on that?” – Jesus at the branding meeting.
I need to strengthen my mental ability to disavow responsibility. So I’m taking a Pilate’s class.
For a true Easter challenge, hide all the eggs in the garage with the car running. Now it’s a hunt AND a race against the clock
I generally skip Easter with the family since I dismissed Pavement’s early records and my grandma stabbed me in the gut.
Wait, if Jesus came back to life, does that mean he had a Horcrux? #HappyEaster
I hope Jesus comes back but it’s only cause he forgot his phone and then he just awkwardly leaves again.
Good Friday quickly turns into Great Friday if you take mushrooms and swim with dolphins.
Oh, finally, he has risen. Good morning, or should I say good afternoon? – God to a teen Jesus
#TheWalkingDead is trending on Easter. IRONY.
My kids will celebrate Atheist Easter. No eggs, just an angry hare wearing a sign that says, “I am a fucking mammal.”
Lotta talk about Thrones this Easter Sunday. #crossmarketing
In honor of Jesus, I’m spending this Easter turning wine into water. (Pee is mostly water, right?)
On my way to Easter Island because that’s where East … Shit, never mind–it’s sold out.