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5 Jokes

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there’s a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he’s doing. The boy answers, “I’m reading a book and I’m 20.” Then the cop asks what the girl’s doing and how old she is. The boy replies, “She’s knitting and she’ll be 18 in about five minutes.”

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 5 children, begins to call her “mother of five” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of five,” he would say, “Get me a beer!” “Hey mother of five, what’s for dinner tonight?” This type of situation persisted to a boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, “Hey mother of five, I think it’s time to go!” The wife seized the moment and shouted back, “I’ll be right with you – father of three!”  

five

A man goes to his priest an says, “Father, you have to help me, I am getting married in a week and don’t know anything about sex. I am still a virgin!” 
Priest says, “OK, this is what you do. Go home and put a dime in your right front pocket, and practice… dime… dime.” 
“OK.” The guy goes home and practices. Comes back the next day. “I have it down, I am going to be great!” 
Priest says, “No, there’s more. Go home and place another dime in your left front pocket and practice… dime… dime, dime… dime.” 
Guy leaves…. comes back the next day “Father, I have it down for sure this time.” 
“No, my son, there are two other things you need to do. Place a quarter in your back pocket and a dollar bill over your belt buckle. Then practice, dime… dime… quarter… buck.” 
He leaves then returns the next day, “Father, is there any thing else I should know?” 
“No my son, just remember, dime, dime, quarter, buck.” 
The wedding night finally arrives and he and his wife begin to have sex. He is whispering, dime, dime, quarter, buck. 
The wife then begins to yell, “Faster honey, faster!” 
So the man says, “Fuck it! Buck forty five, buck forty five.”

The new priest, fresh out of the seminary, was assigned to a convent full of nuns. Mother Superior sends him on an errand downtown. He rounds the wrong corner, and a lady of the evening approaches and says “hey faddah, five bucks for a quickie!” He has no idea what’s happening, mumbles an apology and passes by. This happens again, then again – “Hey faddah, five bucks for a quickie.” He’s totally mystified, so when he gets back to the convent he asks, “Mother Superior, what’s a quickie?”
She replies “Five bucks, same as in town.”

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