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17 Tattoos for the Terrified

I am straight-up lifting the following material from an NYT piece by comedy writer Frank Lesser (on Twitter @sadmonsters). I’m a big fan of tattoos; I have 2 myself: one arm band and one torso band (wraps from my solar plexus to the small of my back); both are Celtic-themed and I’ve never regretted either, happy to say. Anyway, I got a kick out of these tattoos, which Lesser recommends for the anxiety-ridden body modifiers out there.

  1. A heart with “Mom” written inside, beneath the words “In case of emergency, contact.”
  2. A cocoon. Why would a butterfly ever want to leave the security of home?
  3. A Harley Davidson motorcycle helmet.
  4. The name of the person you’re dating, and also the names of five other people. (What if you’re making a huge mistake?)
  5. Wings on shoulder blades, captioned “Not actually a bird” in case a hunter sees it.
  6. A chubby toddler. It would have been an angel, but heaven is merely a construct to distract us from the inevitability of death.
  7. Tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. To calm you down when you start thinking about whether heaven is merely a construct to distract us from the inevitability of death.
  8. Teardrop tattoo. It will distract everyone from your nervous crying (see above). Plus people might think you killed a guy in prison so they won’t mess with you by making eye contact.
  9. A mole that’s irregularly shaped. At least you know this one’s benign.
  10. Tattoo of someone else’s face over your own. Hopefully this other person will be better prepared for life’s disappointments.
  11. A “Memento”-style tattoo with a list of all the prescription medication you’re taking and their side effects.
  12. Another “Memento”-style tattoo reminding you not to watch “Memento.” That movie is so intense!
  13. A portrait of Marilyn Monroe, back when she was Norma Jean and faced less pressure.
  14. Stars, but only two and a half of them. You also have self-esteem issues.
  15. A mermaid wearing a life preserver. She’s not taking any chances.
  16. Anchor. Not a tattoo, an actual anchor. You never know when a tidal wave might sweep you out to sea. That’s probably what happened to that mermaid.
  17. The Chinese character for “Regret.”

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