Sean O’Neal @seanoneal
Lined up outside the burnt ruins of a Suncoast Motion Picture Store. That moldering half of a King Ralph poster will be mine. #BlackFriday
Jen Statsky @jenstatsky
Happy Saddest Day To Eat At Subway!
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?
Megan Amram @meganamram
Isn’t it annoying when you’re having dinner with your in-laws and they don’t exist because no one loves you enough to marry you?
Michelle Wolf @michelleisawolf
Oh come on, let your grandpa use the word “oriental” it’s the only one he has left.
If I never wake up from this food coma, please tell my family I died doing what I love. #Thanksgiving
I’d rather spend Thanksgiving with a serial killer than anyone who says “the diet starts tomorrow” on Thanksgiving.
albertina rizzo @albz
This Thanksgiving I’m just gonna stick with tradition and accuse someone of witchcraft with my townspeople. What are you guys doing?
Glen Weldon @ghweldon
You call it “Turkey Day” because it’s what you eat today, right?
So if I prefer to call it “My Feelings Day” that’s my choice, MOTHER.
My Grandma was not pleased with my YELP review last year, but I wasn’t impressed with her lackluster cranberry sauce. Hope she stepped it up
Michelle Wolf @michelleisawolf
Be careful out there on the roads tonight. There will be a lot of people driving while explaining why their life choices are valid.
Alone in a hot tub with the turkey carcass.
Thanksgiving dinner must be a real hoot in the Deep South because it’s also speed dating.
There is a hole in my heart, and I don’t think pie can fill it. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try.
Hanukkah and Thanksgiving won’t be on the same day for another 79,000 years. Hope to be headlining by then.
The ingredient in turkey that makes you so sleepy is my mother-in-law describing Burn Notice to the rest of the family.
Unfollowing lifelong friends & valued colleagues for posting pictures of food today. Think you get a pass on Thanksgiving? Think again.
Look up! It’s your family! Now look down at your phone again. They can’t hurt you here. #Thanksgiving
I’d love to repair my relationship with my family today but I can’t find the turkey emoji.
Uncle Bill took like 8 spoonfuls of stuffing and now there’s barely any left THANKS OBAMA.
Eternally grateful for California’s stance on marijuana legalization. Talk about a Thanksgiving game changer!
Currently celebrating Fucksgiving, which is where you don’t give one and just do whatever the fuck you want today. #Thanksgiving
Have a SPOOKTACULAR Thanksgiving
Sorry I carved Ron Paul 2016 into the turkey, I guess everyone in this family hates FREEDOM
I want this turkey to know that when I eat his body, I am also eating his soul and all his powers will be MINE!
When UK friends give me shit about Thanksgiving because it marks the beginning of a genocide, I remind them that THE PILGRIMS WERE ENGLISH.
Is anyone else’s Thanksgiving turkey being distant after sex?