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28 Thanksgiving Tweets

Sean O’Neal ‏@seanoneal
Lined up outside the burnt ruins of a Suncoast Motion Picture Store. That moldering half of a King Ralph poster will be mine. #BlackFriday

Jen Statsky ‏@jenstatsky
Happy Saddest Day To Eat At Subway!

Matt Roller ‏@rolldiggity
I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?

Megan Amram ‏@meganamram
Isn’t it annoying when you’re having dinner with your in-laws and they don’t exist because no one loves you enough to marry you?

Michelle Wolf ‏@michelleisawolf
Oh come on, let your grandpa use the word “oriental” it’s the only one he has left.

Hari Kondabolu
If I never wake up from this food coma, please tell my family I died doing what I love. #Thanksgiving

Jared Freid
I’d rather spend Thanksgiving with a serial killer than anyone who says “the diet starts tomorrow” on Thanksgiving.

albertina rizzo ‏@albz
This Thanksgiving I’m just gonna stick with tradition and accuse someone of witchcraft with my townspeople. What are you guys doing?

Glen Weldon ‏@ghweldon
You call it “Turkey Day” because it’s what you eat today, right?
So if I prefer to call it “My Feelings Day” that’s my choice, MOTHER.

Sam Grittner
My Grandma was not pleased with my YELP review last year, but I wasn’t impressed with her lackluster cranberry sauce. Hope she stepped it up

Michelle Wolf ‏@michelleisawolf
Be careful out there on the roads tonight. There will be a lot of people driving while explaining why their life choices are valid.

Jocelyn Plums
Alone in a hot tub with the turkey carcass.

Sam Grittner

Mike White
Thanksgiving dinner must be a real hoot in the Deep South because it’s also speed dating.

Louis Peitzman
There is a hole in my heart, and I don’t think pie can fill it. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Todd Barry
Hanukkah and Thanksgiving won’t be on the same day for another 79,000 years. Hope to be headlining by then.

Guy Endore-Kaiser
The ingredient in turkey that makes you so sleepy is my mother-in-law describing Burn Notice to the rest of the family.

Rob Delaney
Unfollowing lifelong friends & valued colleagues for posting pictures of food today. Think you get a pass on Thanksgiving? Think again.

Josh Comers
Look up! It’s your family! Now look down at your phone again. They can’t hurt you here. #Thanksgiving

Patrick Walsh
I’d love to repair my relationship with my family today but I can’t find the turkey emoji.

Ryan Anderson
Uncle Bill took like 8 spoonfuls of stuffing and now there’s barely any left THANKS OBAMA.

Mike White
Eternally grateful for California’s stance on marijuana legalization. Talk about a Thanksgiving game changer!

Lane Moore
Currently celebrating Fucksgiving, which is where you don’t give one and just do whatever the fuck you want today. #Thanksgiving

Ken Jennings
Have a SPOOKTACULAR Thanksgiving

Brian Gaar
Sorry I carved Ron Paul 2016 into the turkey, I guess everyone in this family hates FREEDOM

Rob Huebel
I want this turkey to know that when I eat his body, I am also eating his soul and all his powers will be MINE!

Hari Kondabolu
When UK friends give me shit about Thanksgiving because it marks the beginning of a genocide, I remind them that THE PILGRIMS WERE ENGLISH.

Steven Amiri
Is anyone else’s Thanksgiving turkey being distant after sex?

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