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25 Christmas Tweets

John Fugelsang
This Dec, the GOP demanded a) Tax cuts for the wealthiest b) Less benefits for the needy c) Keep Christ in Christmas.

Jess Dweck
Shit, I forgot to write “Happy Birthday” on Jesus’ Facebook page.

Sam Grittner
Freebasing oxy with a gardener named Jesus in a Pottery Barn. #blessed

Jim Hamilton
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Santa Claus drives a Trans Am, right?

Eliza Bayne
Any album can be a Christmas album if you never ever want to hear it again

Hank Thompson
Santa won’t leave. It’s getting awkward. He keeps asking if I’ve ever heard of Ron Paul. I think he’s drunk.

Damien Fahey
Let someone know you hate them by texting “Merry Christmas” at 11:59pm tonight.

Erik Bergstrom
As the final Christmas hour passes, mall Santas are corralled into the pens to be gently put down and utilized as Fillet-O-Fish meat.

Michael Ian Black
Had some ham for Christmas dinner tonight at my friend Barabbas’s house. I really am a terrible Jew.

Mike Rylander
I’m depressed now. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, type-two diabetes caused by American casual dining chain restaurants.

Hank Thompson
I don’t think this gingerbread house is built to code. It’s supposed to have 110 volt outlets and these are clearly 220. Christmas is a lie.

Julie Klausner
Listening to my favorite Christmas album: “Fragile” by YES.

Christian Duguay
How’s your Christmas? My sister has said “cool beans” 79 times.

Rob Delaney
Don’t turn Jesus’s birthday into your deathday by taking weed. #420HOHONO

Damien Fahey
I’m releasing a holiday song called, “All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.”

Keith Alberstadt
“We have a room next to the bachelorette party suite or a manger. Take your pick.” –Innkeeper #LostQuotesOfHistory

Michelle Wolf
This is the first Christmas Kobe hasn’t played a game since 1997. And you thought you tried to avoid your family.

Matt Oswalt
Merry Christmas everyone; and to Gary Busey, Happy 4th of July!

Rachel Lichtman
Santa Claus is overweight, wears the same thing every day and leaves the house once a year. He’s basically Brian Wilson in 1974.

Bridger Winegar
When they look back on this Christmas, I hope my family will remember the love, the warmth, & how I vanished under suspicious circumstances

Michael Ian Black
I don’t know if Jesus was the son of God, but I do know that I have a new XBox One now and I DON’T THINK THAT’S A COINCIDENCE!!!

Misha Collins
Merry x-mas! I’m so sorry but I just found out the post office incinerated my gift for you because they said it looked like “medical waste.”

Megan Amram
Because I’m a Jew, today’s just like any other Wednesday when mom puts coal in my socks

Matt Roller ‏
It’s always tough watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” with my dog because both of us know he’s never won a lights and display contest.

Michael Ian Black ‏
This year, my wife got me some books, a new scarf, a Godiva chocolate bar, a Thai ladyboy, and the new Peter Gabriel CD. #blessed

 

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