Tag Archive | tweets

25 Christmas Tweets

John Fugelsang This Dec, the GOP demanded a) Tax cuts for the wealthiest b) Less benefits for the needy c) Keep Christ in Christmas. Jess Dweck Shit, I forgot to write “Happy Birthday” on Jesus’ Facebook page. Sam Grittner Freebasing oxy with a gardener named Jesus in a Pottery Barn. #blessed Jim Hamilton I saw […]

24 Sharknado Tweets

My seasonal gift to you! I celebrated Christmas Eve by watching Sharknado with my brother, sister, and daughter. It was the best; I highly recommend this new tradition to all. And now, to the mockery. Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt Just got a call from the 2nd A.D. on the movie I’m filming. Call time canceled tomorrow. […]

28 Thanksgiving Tweets

Sean O’Neal ‏@seanoneal Lined up outside the burnt ruins of a Suncoast Motion Picture Store. That moldering half of a King Ralph poster will be mine. #BlackFriday Jen Statsky ‏@jenstatsky Happy Saddest Day To Eat At Subway! Matt Roller ‏@rolldiggity I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but […]

27 Hanukkah Tweets

Lisa Beth Johnson Listening to a country music station, pretending all the songs are about Hanukkah. Michelle Wolf ‏@michelleisawolf I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know anything about Hanukkah, but with all those candles, it seems pretty sexy. Rob Kutner Dora The Menorah #ThanksgivukkahParadeFloats Sam Grittner if anyone wants to celebrate a festival of […]

31 Seasonally Delightful Tweets

Michael Ian Black ‏@michaelianblack Christ may have risen but I haven’t gotten my ass off the couch for nine hours Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them. Mary Charlene so far no one has commented on the fact that my Easter bonnet […]

2.15: Today’s Best Tweets

Splitsider posts each day their favorite batch of tweets from comedians. Here is today’s selection. SARAH THYRE If I were an HVAC guy, the slogan on my van would be “You need coolin’, Baby I’m not foolin’.” HANK THOMPSON The problem with Die Hard is that he never seems to do that. DANNY ZUKER JPL […]